ode to a messy house

oohh messy house, messy house...

how did you get this way?
I had such good intentions.

I have the power
to clean up after myself.
ommm, oommm...

oh messy house
what are you telling me
about the state of my soul?

an excerpt from the springtime of my life...

I'm starting to feel, on a deep emotional, soul/spirit level, what I have known intellectually for a long time. Simply:


I have value


The more I value myself, the more it seems (amazingly!) that others value me. Actually, I suspect they always have. It has only been recently that I have recognized this fact, and allowed myselft to begin accepting and believing it.


My journey to self worth is best described by one of my favorite quotes from Nelson Mandela:


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us: it's in everyone. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

memories of Dome Creek

What do I remember of the hippie days, growing up in the boonies at Dome Creek?

Two memories rise to the surface right away - one is Christmas in our little one room 13 by 26 dirt floor shack, with somewhere around a dozen people, and it was so cool. So much love and respect in that small space.

Then there’s the time Dennis and I went to the housewarming party down the tracks, at the ‘down the hill’ house. Hugh and Stacy’s?

Carrying a gallon jug of wine, hangin out with our mom and dad’s friends. Raising the jug to salute the conductor of a passing train. He gave us a blast of his whistle as he went by.

I was 13, my brother was 12. Mom and Dad didn't find out about our adventure until years later, and doubtless would have been horrified, had they known back then what we had been up to that evening. But we were in good hands, there was no one there that wanted to see us come to harm. A bit of wine and a toke or two – they saw no harm in that. And there wasn’t any. We were safe, everyone there was watching over us.

We lived in the middle, between the straight people in ‘downtown’ Dome Creek, and the hippies, at the end of the road, and past the end of the road and on down the tracks.

My parents got along with both groups of people, could walk in both worlds, and that is a big part of what made me the person I am today. I learned at a young enough age that there are different kinds of people in the world and not only is that ok, but it’s very cool, and it’s necessary.

Having no electricity or running water, chopping, piling and hauling wood, hauling water…and having so much space to roam and be wild and free…all these things were gifts our parents gave us when they embraced the hippie culture and went back to the land.

eternity

waves beating on rocks
pounding, pounding
the other way
nothing but the sea

freedom

racing across a rippling sea 
of softly shifting grasses
rippling muscles shifting
between my thighs


my hair is whipping in the wind
like the long silky strands of the mane
flying in front of me

Almost a Christmas by proxy

the wild woman within - how deep is she buried?

this is definitely scarey - sharing myself like this...but that's ok, who's going to read it, anyway? At the start, only those I tell about it. Then whoever those people tell, and so on, and so on, and so on...remember that commercial?

there's a topic for you. TV, commercials, commercialism...

how about Christmas and commercialism, we all just lived through that for another year, didn't we?

This year, I discovered that necessity is the mother of a meaningful Christmas. No money equals no commercialism, and a very laid back, enjoyable Christmas spent connecting with family.

It was going to be a Christmas by proxy. No tree, no presents...I was prepared to enjoy it for what it was. I had no expectations, and so was in a perfect frame of mind to notice and enjoy the little things. 

Walking in fresh, magical snowfall, all hushed and white and beautiful.

A street light shining on the branches of a snow covered tree.

The crisp, invigorating air kissing my face...

One day I walked to work, worked for 10 hours, then shoveled my walkway clear of about 18 inches of light, fluffy snow. Just me, the shovel and the snow, in the dark. One of my favorite forms of exercise, and meditation. A great way to be in the moment.

I helped Lori put the lights on her tree again this year. It's become a yearly tradition for us. This year her sister was there for the first time. I have been able to help turn what has been a chore for her into a fun event. We had oranges, macaroons, dark chocolate with cranberries and almond, and coffee with Bailey's. Christmas music was playing in the background while Lori and Carol decorated the tree, and I made a 'spray' for the mantlepiece out of bits and pieces I found in their Christmas ornament boxes.

That was my tree decorating by proxy. The following weekend I was at Drew's, and he asked me to wrap some presents for him. Present wrapping by proxy. I was considering volunteering at the Mission to help serve Christmas dinner on Christmas day. Christmas dinner by proxy. 

But fate intervened, in the form of Universal Packaging. I won a turkey in the Christmas draw for the third year in a row, and was going to cook it at home, with Kelly and Sheldon. I had accepted the fact that I couldn't afford the expense of driving to Lillooet for Christmas. Plans changed again, however, when I opened my bonus envelope. Five hundred dollars! Suddenly I can afford to go to Lillooet! The next morning Kelly, Sheldon and I hopped in the Little Red Toyota and headed off to a lovely, low key, non commercial Christmas with family.